No wonder Baby Jesus shut off comments to his blog.

On Monday, the reliably funny Scott Feschuk wrote a blog pretending to be Baby Jesus liveblogging from the manger. It’s worth a read, if you have the time, even if only for this segment:

11:51 Man, this is awkward. There’s this kid who’s been playing his drum for me for, like, ever. Which is great and everything, and the ox and lamb seem to be enjoying themselves—but has no one in this town heard of a melody? Maybe if I smile at him he’ll stop.

I mean, really, is there anyone on the planet who thinks “The Little Drummer Boy” is a pleasant song? It’s got to be the most head-poundingly offensive Christmas tune in existence (save Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, which ranks among the worst recordings of any genre ever inflicted on humankind, and I’m including “Who Let The Dogs Out” and “The Thong Song” in that assessment too).

Sorry, I get carried away easily, especially when ranting. Back to the original rant.

So, Feschuk pens this amusing blog about the Christ child carrying on from His High Holy MacBook (that’s me being irreverent, not him) and, of course– gosh, didn’t see this one coming– immediately starts getting inundated with religious commenters who were Not Amused. To wit:

You’re a lot like the guys in Amish towns who try to be funny by provoking the locals, whom everyone knows will not fight back. You’d never try it in a bar, chickensh*t.

Every time a Liberal disrespects Jesus on the internet, the Conservatives gain a few extra votes.

This is a tasteless piece of work … Religion is a matter not to be trifled with, no matter whose it is.

in our country t/day things are falling apartbecause of so called intellectuals write trash like this.

One day Scott Feschuk you will stand before your Maker, God himself, and he will ask you why you wrote this idiotic blog. I would not want to be standing in your shoes.*

*I am on the fence about whether this was meant to be a joke or not. I find it hard to believe anyone could seriously think that.

Now, I won’t get into the fact that– as Feschuk himself points out in the comments– he was making light of blogging culture, not Jesus, and that, really, there wasn’t actually anything offensive said about Jesus or Christianity in the blog (though at one point the baby Messiah takes his own name in vain, which I gather is a pretty big no-no on the Christian scale. In fact, it’s apparently comparable to rape, according to one commenter:

For those confused about the insult here, imagine if Feshcuk parodied Jesus raping someone in a fit of passion. That would be insulting. It would also be less insulting than having Jesus blaspheme.

Jesus Christ, talk about offensive…)

But, okay, I won’t dispute people’s right to be outraged by what they read. Everyone has a different level of tolerance and a different definition of what’s acceptable to them, and that’s generally a non-negotiable point, so telling someone to “lighten up” when they think something has crossed the line is not only kind of presumptuous but it just plain doesn’t work. I personally find dead baby jokes distasteful, but you might think they’re hilarious. Neither one of us is right, because it’s personal taste.

My problem is with religious folk who want to push their beliefs on others, who think their way is the only way, who want to tell you how to live your life. (This is a recurrent issue with me; I don’t like being told what to do, because I’m not you. For further clarification, please allow me to channel every teenage girl on the planet: “You’re not the boss of me.”)

Not finding something funny is one thing. But telling someone what they can’t or shouldn’t write or joke about, telling someone that they’ll one day pay for having a different sense of humour than you, berating them because they don’t share your reverence for something… it’s sanctimonious and, quite frankly, it’s irritating as hell. I find holier-than-thou (pardon the expression) positions particularly disagreeable when the subject is religion because that’s one area where there’s no right or wrong. I might think I know the “truth,” and so might you, but the reality is neither of us do, not for sure, because there’s no way to know the unknowable. (God speaking to you or you “just knowing” something or referencing an ancient text as your source material do not count as indisputable proof, sorry.)

Then there are those who seem to be modern-day missionaries, who want to help you lead a better life and save your heathen soul from eternal damnation. Take this comment, for instance:

The simple fact is this: some things in Life are serious and important and deserving of simple respect, even reverential respect … I’m writing because some of you are actually thirsting for truth, dope and booze and entertainment and sex and an orgy of materialism at Christmastime leaves you empty and hungry, again. I’ve been there, believe me. I want you to know that the world is mostly nonsense and real Truth — living water and abundant Life — is available. Open your mind, find a church where the bible is taught and the Lord is worshipped and keep going… you will find a present that never stops giving.

I don’t mean to single out this particular commenter; this is simply representative of comments I see all the time whenever religion is brought up. And while this is written in a very respectful and non-YOU-ARE-GOING-TO-HELL-YOU-NONBELIEVER way, I still find it odd that anyone cares about anyone else’s choice of religion (or lack thereof). The fact that I am godlessly enjoying hedonistic pleasures at Christmas time instead of worshipping at church does not affect you in any way, shape or form (unless you’re enjoying those hedonistic pleasures with me, in which case I doubt you’d be trying to convert me, nomesayin’?). Please stop worrying about my soul; I am fine, honest.

The way I see it is this: I don’t like the show Dancing With the Stars. I don’t watch it. I don’t want to watch it. I actually tried once, for about five minutes, and then changed the channel rather than hurl myself out the window (it was an either/or scenario). But maybe you think it’s really good. Maybe it’s your favourite show, in fact. That’s great. I don’t want you to stop watching it just because I can’t stand it. By all means, watch those C-list celebs fly around the stage until your heart is filled with joy. It does not affect me in the least. Just don’t try to force me to watch it, too, because my not watching should not affect you in the least, either, and I’m much happier over here watching The Office, where no one dances or gets voted off or wears sparkly costumes.

See, now, I’ve just compared religious belief to a crappy dance show, and I’ve probably managed to offend both religious people AND dance-show fanatics. Yes I know: I am going to hell.